The Cold Phelps Saga
by Ace.Dinosaur
Summary: In the AU, Cole Phelps is alive and saves the world from itself and cleanses the wicked. Pushed to the limit, he becomes... cold.
1. Cole Phelps Grows Wings

**Cole Phelps Grows Wings**

**_"Gentlemen, you are welcome to Elsinore. Your hands, come then."_**

**_ -Hamlet_**

As the day begins, on a cold July night, Cole Phelps awakens to an intense pain on his upper back regions. Cole Phelps screams out. Nobody's there to help.

The pain is too much.

The police are called. Bad memories resonate in Cole Phelps eyes. Arid tears fall from his eyes. He breaths heavy, creating an eddy of air whirl-pooling around his limpid body. The neighbors are in a muck. What to say? IDK, who snitched? Cole Phelps awakens to the sound of door pounding. Fist on wood. Ardent wood.

Cole Phelps rises.

Cole Phelps eyes go in full circle to the nearest mirror. His new wings shine bright against the moonlight torrid through the fluorescent window. No escape. No savior. No hero. No chance.

Politic corruption. Politics corrupt. Police police police police death.

The wings shine. New bright and produced. He feels the injection wounds in his spinal cord.

"Dear God." Cole Phelps prays. "Dear God."

Cole Phelps leered out the panes of the window, smoke signals polluted the air more than the secret room Roy Earle fostered in his home, over populated with infants of the dead variety. Rabid Earle, as Cole Phelps liked to call him.

Rabid Earle. The monster beneath your child's bed, waiting for you to fall asleep, giving him every opportunity to snatch you baby away.

Cole Phelps flittered his wings in ennui.

Cole Phelps knew what he had to. Police work. Police. Detective Cole Phelps.


	2. Cold Phelps on Ice

**Cold Phelps on Ice**

**_"For who would bear the whips and scorns of time."_**

**_ -Hamlet_**

Cole Phelps followed his instincts. He was no longer afraid, fear is why you fail. Cole Phelps knew from experience. Smoke filled his lungs. Cole was meeting with Rabid Earle [Roy Earle as the ill-informed referred to him, unknowingly incorrect. Politically incorrect. Politics corruption.]

Smoke filled his lungs. Cole Phelps choked, collapsing to the floor. Cole Phelps dragged his limp body to the ice rink. Rabid Earle watched with torrid disinterest. Cole Phelps peered through the ice floor. Rabid Earle was beneath the ice frozenly encased in an icy tomb. Allegory for his cold meatless heart. Only Cole Phelps knew that Rabid Earle had to be kept at sub-zero degrees.

Rusty jumped from his hiding place beneath a seat on the ice. Cole's wings shuttered like the camera lens of a child molester's. Rusty pulled Cole Phelps to his feet, resting him against the glass wall encasing the ice, encasing the Rabid Earle. Rusty punched Cole Phelps down to the floor. Blasting Cole Phelps away.

"I need a favor." Rusty said, pleading with Cole Phelps. Rabid Earle watched, unbeknownst to Rusty.

"NO." Cole Phelps said.

"My wife fell into a vat of frozen ice and is now frozen. I'm must find a cure for her deathly disease. What do I do Cole Phelps?" Rusty broke down crying. Rusty screamed and shouted like an infant after having starved for three days. Rabid Earle like the sound. The sound of a crying child unfroze his ice heart. Rabid Earle melted into his icy tomb. He became one with the ice. Drifting to a higher plane. Watching us and judging us like the one percent. Unjust and unfair. [Justice must be brought to them.]

Cole Phelps looked up at Rusty, bleeding to death. "Don't call me Cole Phelps. I'm Cold Phelps."

Cole Phelps stood up, his wings encasing his frail womanly body, then he began to shed. "I'm Cold Phelps."

Cole Phelps body fell apart, revealing an ice figure with enormous wings made lava and a purple substance.

Cold Phelps was born. Cold Phelps was God.


	3. The Amazing Cold Phelps

**The Amazing Cold Phelps**

_** "To grunt and sweat under a weary life,"**_

_** -Hamlet**_

As Cold Phelps explored BosCorp he snuck into a lab of some sort and was bitten by an ice creature spider. Unbeknownst to Cold Phelps this would leave a major impact on his life. Cold Phelps [then known as Cole Phelps] went to high school. He was bullied and a nerd and a track star.

Disestablishment.

Then The Iguana attacked.

One day a police guy found Cole and made him a detective after seeing his intense drive and dedication to solving crimes with his gang.

Then Cole became Cold. So our tale begins.

Biggs narrated the adventure. Citing the trials and tribulations that befell Cold Phelps. Cold Phelps then went to the sewers and magic happened. Jack Kelso drowned because he couldn't swim and so did the other people.

Rabid Earle was a jerk at Jack's funeral. So Rabid Earle stole Jack's little sister because he was a pervert and Jack killed him. Thus our story begins.

Cold Phelps flew around the city, his wings phlegmatically clapped together as he gracefully flew the city. Cold Phelps waved hi to Rabid Earle. Cold Phelps threw some stones at his wife [she was such a hater!] Cold Phelps smiled up to God. Bekowsky smiled back. Biggs narrated the story and told me what to write while Rusty cried infant tears.

Cold Phelps dropped down to the ground. He collapsed and fainted. Screaming like a little girl. The voices were to much for him.

Politics corruption Who do you trust Cole? Politics corruption Politicians suck and can die stupid Republicans ruin everything Politics corruption Corrupt politics Someone save me. Politics corruption Politics Corruptions Politics corrupt.

Cold Phelps died. The world exploded in 3414. My word.

Cold Phelps woke up. He saw his partners looking at with disgust. It was Magneto.


	4. Cold Phelps: First Class

**Cold Phelps: First Class**

**_"To sleep—perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub!"_**

**_ -Hamlet_**

As Cold Phelps walked around the x-men tower he recalled being a youth in England. He had first met Roy Rabid Magneto Earle in the 1920s, shortly after world war II. Rabid Magneto was a nazi and found he had magnet powers. These magnet powers made him run away and kill people. Years later Cold Phelps met Rabid Earle in England during Cold Phelps graduation from London Oxford University. Cold Phelps had been living Mistique Finbar—aka Rusty Mistique. Rusty Mistique could change into any form he wanted. He choose an old ugly fat diabetic misogynistic year old man.

Rabid Magneto Earle was evil and so was Rusty Mistique because their names had 'M's in them.

Cold Phelps was shot by Rabid Magneto by accident. Cold Phelps was forever bound to a wheel chair and Rabid Earle felt bad. So Rabid Earle engaged in constant battle with Cold Phelps.

Adding insult to injury, Rabid Earle tried to Pluck Cold Phelps' wing, but failed because good always win and republicans always lose.

Corruption beware Cold Phelps because


	5. Cold Phelps in Space

**Cold Plelps in Space**

**_"The undiscover'd country, from whose bourn _**

**_No traveler returns—puzzles the will,"_**

**_ -Hamlet_**

Cold Phelps could breath in space, a power bequeathed upon him by the almight devine being Stefan Bekowsky. Cold Phelps sat back in his space ship. His wife was dead. He consumed her corpse and his children hid in terror, crippling fear became their norm. Cold Phelps was becoming his worst fear, he was becoming Rabid. Like Roy "Rabid" Earle. Rabid Earle was still trapped under the ice in the ice rink. Living out his immortal in ice. He was a lost cause.

Cold Phelps drifed in space swimming with the stars. He'd removed his oragans so he didn't have to eat so he wouldn't poop and the poop freeze and hit someone on Earth killing them. Cold Phelps was next to Pluto. He had made it a planet again and Punched Chuck Norris.

Cold Phelps fell asleep, but he didn't have to, he could always keep his eyes open and never blink Cold Phelps is behind you. Waiting for you to turn around. He wants your soul. Turn around and prepare to become the lifeless shell Cold Phelps said you'd always become.


	6. Nobody Puts Cold Phelps in a Coroner

**Nobody Puts Cold Phelps in a Coroner**

**_"It fits your wisdom so far to believe it."_**

**_ -Laertes_**

Cold Phelps was put in a corner by the Devine being that is Stefan Bekowsky. The Devine being Bekowsky knew the world had suffered enough. He smiled and winked. I smiled back. Cold Phelps was gone and the world was balanced until Rabid Earle killed Bekowsky and the world exploded, taking Rabid Earle's life with. As they say, the captain goes down with the ship.

Biggskowsky cried.


	7. My Cold Phelps

**"My" Cold Phelps**

"Please, Cold Phelps! I need assistance!" Rabid Earle said. Karma had finally caught up to him, creating a shell of the ungodly man he had become. Bekowsky had tried to smite the evils of the world cleanse the world of the wrongs he could not prevent. He had failed.

The statues of the Vatican cried tears of blood. Cold Phelps was nowhere to be found. His cold, icy orifices were nothing but a distant memory of Hershel Biggs. The power of love was a joke. The frozen flames of an icy tundra tomb were inevitable.

There was no hope; there was no salivation. The wicked may never rest; there is always more evil to be done.

Confucius was a joke. Your God is a lie. Life is nothing more than a game of Russian Roulette. Eventually, your luck runs out; and you die.

Cold Phelps knew this much. He eloquently constructed his obituary. A small litany of apologies of those he had tried to save, an epic of reprimand for his enemies.

Cold Phelps watched his daughters go mad. They drowned in the lake. Cold Phelps witnessed his wife drink from the poisoned goblet. The life drained from her eyes, a small smirk on her face.

Little did they know, he was the king. An apparition living amongst the living. He never belonged. He defiled the minds of all he touched, those who breathed his air.

Nobody had been safe from the curse of Cold Phelps.

As his wings extended, and the world filled with late onset ennui, Cold Phelps succumbed to the bule flames.

This was the saga. Of Phelps.

Cold Phelps.

Fin.


	8. Cold Phelps: The Lost Chapter

**Cold Phelps: The Lost Chapter**

Cold Phelps awoke one morning to find the destruction of the earth had been undone. His wings had been torn from his back, and Bekowsky, our lord and savior, was no where in sight.

Biggs banged on the door and Cold Phelps' eyes oscillated to the sound of fist on wood. Biggs' raspy, gravel like voice echoed off the walls as he spoke.

"Hey, Cole, get yourself out here! We've got a case to work!" He coughed up blood between every word.

When COLD Phelps opened the door, the outside handle was splattered with blood, phlegm, and chunks of lungs. Biggs began vomiting what was left of his cancerous vocal cords. Biggs never spoke again.

As they arrived at the precinct, that Irish guy pulled Phelps aside. Biggs wasn't special enough to understand what he had to say.

"Hdkdh advised drub dndksb pub HSBC drunk." The Irish potato said. Lucky for Phelps, he spoke potato and knew that the Irish said that he was leaving the station to him for keeps.

Cold Phelps played down his excitement and only peed himself a little bit.

Biggs smelled the foul, putrid odor of Cold Phelps' worm infested, blood infused urine. He saw the puddle Cold Phelps left on the floor. Fungi had already begun sprouting through the tiled floor.

Biggs fainted at the sight. Cold Phelps laughed and then ran to his car.

The patrol car reeked of Roy "Rabid" Earle. He smelled like roses doused over the rotten corpses of young aborted fetuses, even with the convertible top up.

Cold Phelps mourned the smell by rubbing his cheek against the driver's seat as a young kitten would do. Purring at the feel of cracked up leather against his face. He had the animal instinct.

As Cold Phelps arrived on the scene, it was at an ice rink. Everything felt so familiar. Magneto flew by and the amazing spider-man crab walked past him. Cold phelps broke through the ice and plunged into the water.

He was grateful there was an August heat wave and this was an outdoor ice rink, otherwise it would have never worked.

Now his wings had grown back, under the ice rink. Cold Phelps was in heaven. The sounds of Alvin and the Chipmunks rang past the pearly gates and God stood before him.

It might be a blasphemy to tell what He looks like, but he looked like Cold Phelps. They were the same in every way. Down to the nasty nostril that always seemed to ooze a repugnant blue substance Cold Phelps had no name for.

Cold Phelps sank to the bottom of the water and drowned. When Biggs found the body, he shrieked and began the tale of Cole Phelps.

Of course Cold Phelps wasn't dead, he was in heaven, with God, the man who was him. But aren't we all a little piece of God and stars and the heaven above? Isn't that what life was about? For the Saga of Cold Phelps is a cautionary tale for all humans alike.

There is so much we can learn from Cold Phelps, much like Sysiphpus, Pandora, Hercules, Hamlet, Mulan, and Iccuras. There is always a lesson to learn and a story to tell. Pass this on, so that Cold Phelps life would not have been lived in vain, but celebrated as he should be.

All hail the king. Long live Cold Phelps. The man to rule them all.

The man who brought the house down.


End file.
